I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
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