3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Randomize
