Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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