I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
