Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
We're using joints as your birthday candles
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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