I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Randomize
