Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
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