so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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