I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize
