you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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