Pregnant stripper...not hot.
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize
