My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
