Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
