how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
