He had one of those small greek statue penises
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Randomize