Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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