Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
