I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
