I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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