your thong is hanging out like whoa
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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