Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
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