Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
