Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
