I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
