I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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