The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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