I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
