Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
