pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
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