I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
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