well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
we're making bets on your personal life
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Randomize
