Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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