Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Randomize
