Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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