Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
