Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
