Now that I've come to graduate college. I realized the only discernible skill I learned was how to roll a joint properly. go me.
Well thats $24,000 well spent.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I need to calm my uterus...
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Randomize
