I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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