My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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