I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
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