Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
