allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
