you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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