the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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