I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Randomize
