Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
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