we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize