Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
