Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
She told me I should be a condom model.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
Randomize
