so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
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