i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
