I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Randomize
