Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
