I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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