Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
