He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
