Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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