Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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