I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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